Shinra Survival Guide
by Gregora
Summary: Pre-Nibelheim. Sephiroth, Angeal, and Genesis are getting annoyed about the chaos that has taken over the building. So, they get the idea to send rules that should be in the manual but isn't to every PHS in the building.
1. Chapter 1

The Shinra Survival Guide

Disclaimer: Okay, I got the idea for this fic when I was thinking about my all-time favorite Stargate Atlantis fic. I was thinking "they should have a guide for Shinra…after all, there will either be people as hyper as Zack or bored enough to do the insane things that will cause trouble." And so, this was made.

I don't own anything except for my OCs. Everything else belongs to Square Enix, or so they say.

Chapter One

Sephiroth was annoyed as he stood in front of Lazard, who was as calm as he knew he himself appeared to be. Underneath the calm exterior, he was annoyed at how chaos had taken hold of the entire building.

"And what do you expect me to do? We've tried taking messages to the Mess Hall message board," Lazard stated.

And then it hit him.

"I've got an idea," Sephiroth stated with an amused grin.

.:.

"I'm going to need your help," Sephiroth told his two closest friends.

"With what?" Angeal asked.

"If you want our help, you're going to need to tell us what you need help with," Genesis said.

.:.

"And now to send this," Sephiroth stated as he pressed a button on his PHS, sending the message to everyone within Shinra, including the Turks.

.:.

The next morning, a nice text message was sent to everyone within SOLDIER, supposedly coming from a sender known as the "Guidemaker". Everyone had received the message, including Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal. They shared a bemused smile as they read their handiwork.

.:.

**This is the Shinra Survival Guide. Every week, rules that aren't in the manual but should be will be sent to you. There is no way you can get out of this. I have noticed that chaos has controlled the building too long and begs that this be made.**

**Rule #1- Rollerblading in the hallways are discouraged.**

**Just because it is a faster way to get to meetings doesn't mean it's safer.**

**It is a hazard to everyone else's safety.**

**It is a hazard to your safety if you run over General Sephiroth.**

The incident that caused him the most grief was when Zack, realizing that walking or running was too slow for him to arrive at an important meeting on time had put on the pair of rollerblades that he used to go to work and back to his apartment and started tearing down the halls. Sephiroth had come out of a blind corner and got ran over by Zack, who sped up even more when he noticed that he had an angry General running after him. Once Sephiroth caught Zack, he used the Masamune on Zack's rollerblades and threatened to kill the younger man if he continued to rollerblade down the halls.

**Rule #2- Spit wads are banned.**

**Spit wads are a death wish if aimed at those above you in rank.**

**It is advisable not to aim spit wads at the General.**

Sephiroth was tired of being pelted by spit wads. So were Genesis and Angeal. All three vowed if they ever caught those who were responsible, they would murder the said person.

**Rule #3- Practical jokes aren't practical at all.**

**Especially when aimed at the General.**

For some reason, Sephiroth felt that he was a target of practical jokes. Angeal and Genesis seemed to never have practical jokes pulled on them at all. He was starting to get suspicious.

**Rule #4- When you have the last cup of coffee in the pot, please make more.**

**It's common sense, people.**

**You don't want caffeine-deprived SOLDIERs hunt you down for not making more coffee.**

**Or caffeine-deprived Turks**

**Or anyone for that matter.**

Everyone agreed that they hated when the pot was empty. Well, except for Genesis. He drank tea. Zack drank hot cocoa, so it didn't bother him too much, either.

**Rule #5- Lightning isn't to be given to any SOLDIERs who doesn't need the energy boost.**

**That includes you, Zack Fair.**

**It's bad enough that you're hyper to begin with.**

**We don't need you bouncing off the walls.**

Cissnei gave Zack an energy soda called Lightning. That day, he tore up the entire SOLDIER floor. The next day, Zack was so exhausted that not even coffee helped.

**Rule #6- When you know that the last can of coffee has been opened, please inform your superiors.**

**It is not a happy sight when someone finds out that there's no more coffee left.**

**We don't need another riot of caffeine-deprived people.**

Reno drank up the last cupful of SOLDIER's coffee and didn't make another pot. Sephiroth, annoyed at the lack of coffee tried making another pot, only to find out that the can of coffee was empty. Within an hour, there had been a riot forming in the SOLDIER break room. It didn't help that to acquisition a new can, it would cause Sephiroth more paperwork and would take a day for a new shipment of coffee. In dire need of their caffeine fix, a group of SOLDIERs marched into the Turk floor and acquisitioned their last can of coffee. Thus started the Great Coffee War.

**Rule #7- Do not mess with the Lego room in the Science floor.**

**You don't know who was playing with them.**

**You don't know what the person had been touching.**

**Scientists are exempt from this rule.**

A group of SOLDIERs and Turks had taken up a new hobby- playing with the scientist's Lego's. Sephiroth saw this as an annoyance when he needed Zack to redo a piece of paperwork and he had to sneak into the Science floor only to find the youthful SOLDIER playing with lego's.

**Rule #8- During any meals in the mess hall, do not carry in any outside food.**

**You will get brutally attacked.**

**You are the exception if you bring enough for everyone.**

Reno got brutally attacked when he carried in a bag of food from Burger Joint. Enough said.

.:.

The three friends shared smiles as they read the rules they craftily made up as they saw everyone mutter about them. They all hoped people would read the rules and follow them. They have warned the whole building, after all.

"Got any more ideas for rules?" Angeal asked his two friends.

"I'll think of something. We do have a week after all," Genesis stated with a smile.

.:.:.

Author's Corner: September 27, 2008

No I haven't abandoned BtV yet. I still have a lot of stuff to upload so I'm not on as much of a tight schedule. This came about due to a few things: I live in a place where there's a lot of people, so some of the events gave rise to some of these rules (mainly the coffee-related rules) and I remembered my all-time favorite Stargate Atlantis fanfic ever. So I decided to do something like this. If any of you guys got any ideas for rules or challenges, please send them my way.

And yes, I do have a new lappy and I hope this thing lasts for a while. I did get it insured by both Toshiba (since that's the company who made it) and the Geek Squad. So that means I will now be very regular in uploading chapters. Well, I got to go. A friend of mine has her b-day today and I need to give her her b-day present.

Until Later!

Gregora

P.S.: Lightning is a soda I just made up. Think of it as a combination of Jolt, Surge, and Mountain Dew. Burger Joint was a restaurant from another FF7 fic I made, which is a cross between McDonald's and Burger King. There's got to be at least 1 fast food restaurant in every sector.

Update: 10-02-08

Well, the cause of the update that a rule came too close to another person's fic, but I did get some good ideas for new rules to add to the next chapter!


	2. Chapter 2

The Shinra Survival Guide

Disclaimer: Okay, I got the idea for this fic when I was thinking about my all-time favorite Stargate Atlantis fic. I was thinking "they should have a guide for Shinra…after all, there will either be people as hyper as Zack or bored enough to do the insane things that will cause trouble." And so, this was made.

I don't own anything except for my OCs. Everything else belongs to Square Enix, or so they say.

Chapter Two

Their claudestine meeting took place a week later under the shadow of night. They had agreed to meet in Sephiroth's quarters to discuss the next installment of the Survival guide. The next day, the Survival guide had been sent to every PHS that was owned by Shinra employees that worked in the Shinra Building.

.:.

**Rule #9- Do not mock Loveless.**

**Especially near Genesis.**

Genesis had gotten tired of hearing people mock his favorite book. He had gotten to the point that he even threatened to use his sword on one of the people.

**Rule #10- Members of fan clubs belonging to various employees will not be allowed in.**

**It is a different matter if you actually work here.**

Sephiroth had the curse of having the most rabid fangirls. Someone had set a herd of them loose in the building. He round up needing some help from Genesis and Angeal to get some of the more rabid ones off of him. He had tried threatening to use Masamune which didn't really phase them. Instead, some wanted to see Masamune. He wound up pascifying them by giving them autographed pictures. After thirty autographs, he was annoyed at whoever let the fans in.

**Rule #11- The unappropiate use of the SOLDIER Training Room is banned.**

**No one is exempt from this rule.**

Sephiroth had snuck into the Training Room, finding a Third fondling a virtual version of the white-haired man. Said Third was lucky that Sephiroth hadn't done anything worse than threatening to castrate the Third.

**Rule #12- Creating any alcoholic beverages in the Shinra Building is prohibited.**

Genesis gave Sephiroth a bottle of Dumbapple juice that he had bought a month ago. It took precisely that month for Genesis to turn it into Dumbapple wine instead. Sephiroth, not knowing this, had drank the wine on-duty and got the worst lecture from the President and got a one-week detention with Hojo. Needless to say, Sephiroth was not happy.

**Rule #13- If you cook anything, do not force your food on any unwilling victims.**

**Especially if your unwilling victim is the General.**

**He does not like to be forced into eating anything. **

Genesis had the tendency of baking Dumbapple pies and trying to coerce Sephiroth into being his tastetester. Sephiroth wasn't very keen on eating said pie.

**Rule #14- Zack Fair is not allowed to cook. **

**EVER**

**We all know about the rabbit.**

On a mission with Angeal, Zack had caught a rabbit, field dressed it and cooked it. Angeal ate some of the rabbit and got food poisoning. Zack didn't. Two months later, Zack got the idea to cook a chocobo. Everyone who had eaten the chocobo except for Zack had gotten food poisoning. It became a rumor that Zack was invulnerable to his own cooking.

.:.

Once again, it seemed that people were actually following the rules. A few days ago, a Third found Zack's hoarde of Lightning and turned it in to Sephiroth, who quickly disposed of them. However, Sephiroth realized that twenty cans of Lightning wasn't such a bright idea. He was unable to sleep for three days and had the worst case of twitching.

.:.

Author's Corner: October 2, 2008

Well, I have to thank the Queen for Rules #9-11. They were wonderful ideas. Rule #12 randomly popped into my head for some reason. 13 was inspired by a piece of fanart I saw on deviantart showing Genesis trying to force-feed Sephy. 14 was inspired by my other FF7 fanfic, Behind the Veil. Well, that's it for now. Weird that I haven't worked on BtV for a while now. I don't really need to really work on it since I uploaded chapter 6 a while ago and I'm working on chapter 13 right now. I've got plenty of time to randomly do random stuff. I'd like to thank everyone else who gave me reviews and views. I'm shocked at how many people got into this after two days. 00

I'm doing good seeing that this is my second fanfic I've ever uploaded. Oh crap! I just got an idea for a rule that will now be in chapter 3. You guys will love it. I don't know why I didn't think of this rule earlier. It's a 'duh' rule. But I can see some people doing it as a way to test their mettle.

Well, I gotta work on ch 3 now I got the perfect rule to add!

Until Later!

Gregora


	3. Chapter 3

The Shinra Survival Guide

Disclaimer: We know the routine. As much as I wish, I don't own FF7 or Sephiroth. Sure, the group pops in to visit and tell me the crazy antics that happen in the building, but that's about it.

Chapter Three

Things were still chaotic in the Shinra building. It had been a rough week, but it gave him plenty of ideas for the next installment of the Survival Guide. And so, on a Thursday night, Genesis and Angeal hung out at Sephiroth's apartment and ordered pizza.

The next morning, as always, the Survival Guide was waiting in everyone's inbox.

.:.

**Rule #15- 'Yo Momma' jokes are not to be told to the General.**

**a. Under any circumstances.**

**b. No one but you will be held responsible for all injuries inflicted upon your person.**

Sephiroth was sick and tired of 'yo momma' jokes. Enough said.

**Rule #16- Security cameras are to be used for security purposes only.**

**a. Turks aren't exempt from this rule.**

Someone was using the security cameras to spy on people and set up practical jokes. Seeing that only Turks use the system, it wasn't hard to figure out who it was.

**Rule #17- Explosives are to be detonated in the explosive range only.**

**a. It doesn't matter how explosive said explosives are.**

Someone was really going out of their way to drive the General insane. In three days, three different remote controlled cars carrying low-yield explosives drove into his office, quietly rolled under his chair, and promptly detonated. The only damage was a series of black burns in the linoleum and there was now a hole in the ceiling of Sephiroth's office and the floor of the above level. However, he broke rule 16 by going to said Turk who was the source of rule 16 and found out who it was.

He also promptly broke rules 3 and 17 while getting revenge on the source of rule 17. He saw on the screens the unsuspecting 2nd jump high enough to almost make a dent in the ceiling. To this day, he still had the taped footage of his revenge.

**Rule #18- Laxitives are restricted to those who need it.**

**a. Whoever was behind the incident better keep it a secret from the General.**

**b. Tell him and he'll probably gut you like a chocobo.**

Everyone in the building knew that the General was an avid coffee drinker and couldn't live without a cup of coffee on his desk. Said General realized a bit too late that someone had put a nasty surprise in the SOLDIER coffee. Unfortunately, since he drank more coffee than most on the SOLDIER floor, the effects of the surprise (aka laxitive), was magnified. Said General moved doing paperwork in the men's restroom.

**Rule #19- The PA system is for important announcements and/or emergencies.**

**a. Music is neither of these.**

**b. Not everyone enjoys listening to Four Chocobo Day.**

Someone started pumping Four Chocobo Day through the speakers. Most either enjoyed the music or ignored the mellow music with the exception of some people, most notably firsts. Sephiroth nearly fell asleep while doing paperwork due to the mellow music.Genesis, who loathed Four Chocobo Day, hunted down the cause of the music and threatened the person behind it with painful suffering leading to death and the music promptly stopped.

**Rule #20- The use of Materia is restricted to the Training Room and the Materia Range.**

**a. Notice that the hallways is not listed.**

**b. Enough making water in the hallways.**

**c. It leaves a mess.**

Someone decided to see if they could make a sheet of ice in the hallway with Blizzard and then used Fire on said sheet of ice, leaving a puddle. Sephiroth was busy reading a report while walking to his office. Everyone had a good laugh when they saw the General on the floor with a startled expression. Said General was not pleased.

.:.

"Hopefully, we can stop making new rules," Sephiroth stated, looking at his two closest friends.

"Doubt it," Genesis stated as he saw a remote controlled car sneak up behind Sephiroth and promptly blew up.

Sephiroth looked around to try to spot a certain 2nd class SOLDIER, but couldn't. But he did see a security camera nearby and shot said security camera a death glare.

"With Zack here, there won't be an end to the chaos," Angeal stated, "especially when he has a Turk helping him."

.:.

Author's Note: October 12, 2008

Finally a chapter with all-original rules. Some of these I had no idea where they came from. As for Four Chocobo Day, it's a play on a name of a band that my dad got me into at an early age. I wonder if it's as balant to me as it is for the rest of you guys. I haven't checked on the site since I posted up the previous chapter of Survival Guide. It's about time that I actually worked on this. I've spent all last week and most of the week before sulking about my newest ex. When I wrote Rule 19, I was actually listening to the song 'Family of Man' by Three Dog Night so that might be what gave me inspiration.

As for Rule 15, I have no idea what insanity gave me that idea. I could just see some 2nds go 'hmm...wonder if I could get the General miffed at me' or told him a 'yo momma' joke just out of good fun, not realizing that Sephy's got mother issues.

Well, I gotta go and see if my mental juices are ready to tackle ch13 of BtV (yes I'm really that far ahead on BtV).

Until Later!

Gregora


End file.
